If it didn't have anything to d with school or church my mom would need ALOT of persuasion to buy it for us kids. The thing is I didn't realize that this was the pattern until much later. I mean, we always had the 'important' things. So we didn't notice just how much of a struggle it was for our parents to take care of us financially. We just didn't feel it in the everyday-ness of living. We had food. We had clean clothes that fit. Books for school, clothes for church. We lived in a studio. All four of us creatively separated in a small space, until I was in high school. It felt OK.
Somehow over time, the little things started to show up in how I was conducting my own finances as an adult.
I had a hard time keeping money, but I was paid up on my bills.
An example I use often would be that if I saw a million dollars accumulated in my account I would find a way to cut it to a tenth in less than 3 months. Like gone. And I wouldn't be sure where. Of course, at the time I wasn't looking for it either. And man, has it been a hard road to get to a more solvent place.
The habit hasn't completely formed yet, but its getting reps. The muscle is being honed. I confess I sometimes spend more than I should. I buy some stupid stuff. And I feel bad. I go into a after spending low mood for a while. Then come out and get back on track. Its slow going, but its going.
My past conditioning hijacks my present in these instances. It's like living in a time warp where I become this child whose mom is saying she doesn't have money to buy the new jeans but now I have the money and so I spend it all so I can go back to not affording the thing because now I'm out of money, for real, again.
Last month I put my foot down, but this month. My toes crossed the line.
Still... I move towards doing better.
Understanding what is happening and identifying when it is happening has given me room to make some changes. There is a fundamental difference in making and in keeping money. I want to get better in the latter so when I want to press gas on the former I wont blow out the tyres of my financial car.
My rule of; 'only use a credit card if you have the money to cover the charge' will now have to meet with some further interrogation. To which a new question has been added.
'Do I have access to something that can be used in a similar way? If yes, don't buy.'
If I am not able to answer the question right away I give myself another day to decide.
Yes, I also have auto save options that I utilize as well. But whether its a case of FOMO or midlife, I feel like I am behind on these fundamental things. Like I am running out of time to make it better.
My ramblings will get more and louder if I continue. So I will pause here.
I have no advice on this. It sucks for me too.