Now that I am older,
Am I also wiser?
Have I seen enough to have made me more mature towards life and its decisions?
Or do I now make jumbled nuisance and confusion of circumstances which once posed simple answers?
This path called life is loaded with pitfalls and obstacles.
Can I face them with this limited reserve of first hand experience and a bunch of second hand ones?
I seem to have more questions and less answers now that I have aged.
Although this does not spell logic it is true.
What I want and what I need no longer come with simple answers.
I am never sure of what I want
As for what I need;
I figure if I can breathe without it, I don't fully need it.
What I want , however, becomes a complex, equation of complication.
It is a decision I can't seem to make on my own anymore.
The future of responsibility and possibility of loneliness now looms ahead.
Its presence more threatening than ever.
I don't know what I want!
Not as a career!
Not in a husband; or even a boyfriend
Not as a woman!
Not even for clothing!
My mind is a muddle that requires sorting.
Lack of self confidence denies me also,
Caging me in.
Right now my fingers hurt from writing but I'm not sure I want to stop!
Even now,
I can't do or commit to what I want!
Frustration wells deep inside.
I long for something
But I do not recognize what it is.
How, do I explain my situation?
The cumbersome task bawls at me
I need...
No want... to be able
To be able!
To have fun.
Be free!
Do I hope above all hope?