I realize that when I express that I want things in my life to be different or better sane people may think that I am not grateful for my life now, but I am. I know that my life the good and I am very grateful. It is only that I believe it could be better and that the good that I am experiencing is connected to what we have worked for in the past and that the future doesn't depend on the same things. So I know there is more to be done to bridge that gap.
I feel the weight of the gap as I realize that my path is unclear.
What am I doing to maintain the 'good life' is not sustainable into the future. It just isn't and I am aware that I need to become a different someone to lay claim to the future that I envision.
The one that I desire.
It is calling out to me a new identity and it is frightening the current one.
Thus, I feel caught in a tug of war. Where the my known self holds one hand and my future self holds the other. Both stretching me. None releasing their grip.
I will let go of of my known self, but she has been good to me and I am not sure how to graciously let her go. She took me to this place, to this path, to this potential. And she is still ME. I would be losing myself; the way I know how to be.
The new me is waiting, but the now me doesn't know who she is, yet. Somethings do come through, but the full picture is still blurry. Still a shadow, still incomplete.
I feel another jump coming. A leap of faith or crash and burn. I will have to let go of one to join the other.
Will I be safely caught?
Or will cuts and bruises claim the way?