There is a feeling that everything has to be perfect

Even when it isn't.

The need to fit in has led to imposter syndrome,

the misuse of 'fake it till you make it'

until all we do is be FAKE.

But, what's really going on here?

Are we doing everything everyone says we should without including our own perspective?

Our own experiences?

Where we are coming from?

I, myself am not immune to these beliefs.

I believe there is a greater power operating at all times in everything, always.

I call that power; GOD.

Now, I go to church and with church comes some ritual behaviour generally accepted by its members.

Do I always agree with those rituals?

No

But still, I participate in them even when I am not sure what or why we are doing such things.

But for today.

Today I decided I would not participate in a particular ritual just because I did not feel... ready.

We 'venerate the cross' in our Good Friday service by each coming to touch, hold or any other seemingly spirit led action the wooden cross presented before the alter.

I... did not go.

And it wasn't that I did not feel the urge to as everyone took turns doing this to the wooden cross placed in front of the altar.

even as my husband and my son also went

I stood rooted to the spot in the pew.

 As I looked on the wooden cross then on the mural to the back of the sanctuary, depicting Jesus on a the cross with a disciple and Mary at his feet, I felt tears well up in my eyes.

How could I just go and follow the routine

when what I was feeling was overwhelming shame?

Shame that I thought I could handle being a wife, mother, handle finances without help.

Shame that I resented having to make decisions based on other people's opinions rather than my own.

Shame that my house looks like a total mess constantly and I seem not to be able to change that.

Shame that I am in overwhelm.

I would probably have fallen to the floor weeping had I decided to participate in this ritual, like the others at church.

Perhaps the kind of surrender that the moment required, but I, afraid, would rather surrender at home.

In private

Where I can truly un-mask.

Pretending all is well on the outside

while falling apart on the inside.

“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment.”

— Brené Brown

quotefancy.com

Therefore, in an effort to cultivate peace and authenticity, I release my thoughts of shame through my writing them down.

This is a practice I have to repeat over and over

Indefinitely.

I have to decide that peace and authenticity are important enough to pursue 

And then pursue them.

Will I get it wrong from time to time?

Sure.

But then I try again

And again

And again.

Aiming for growth and mastery;

And acceptance of who I am

And what is true.

What is true right now is that I am committed to share the lessons I learn messy or otherwise.

So if just one person gets better at their life by me adding my voice

Then that would be fantastic!

But also, my own life gains so much from the act of disclosure that I will continue for that benefit.

Wouldn't it be (insert your own positive word here) interesting if we identified one moment every day where we were faking(i.e. not our true self) and consciously flipped it to being truthful(without being hurtful)?

I wonder what our days would look like after a month?

Can you imagine?

What do you foresee happening in your life?